Lost
by Artemis1000
Summary: Trust is built in baby steps. They're learning to communicate, and build this life together, one moment at a time.


**Notes** : Tumblr prompt written to _"Have you lost your damn mind!?"_

All my Finnlo has been pre-TFA, so have some post-TFA/post-redemption instead!

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 **Lost**

"Have you lost your damn mind!?"

It was that bellow that greeted him as he stepped into their quarters on the latest Resistance base.

Finn heaved a sigh. So much for a nice quiet evening cuddling and watching the holonet. And what a fine rage it was, one of the finest ones he had seen Kylo in – and being his lover, he was also the galaxy's foremost expert in Kylo Ren's tempestuous moods.

It wasn't one of the lightsaber-swinging swaths of destruction, Kylo didn't go on these anymore since he was out from under Snoke's destructive influence, but his entire body was taut and vibrating with tension, betraying to Finn that he wasn't far from such a rage.

Finn thought back, and tried to figure out what he had done today to incur Kylo's fury. As far as he could tell it had been a normal day full of training and time spent with his friends.

On the other hand, it could be hard to gauge what would set Kylo off. Fueled by his insecurities and self-hate, he had his own special brand of logic which could be incomprehensible to Finn, just like Kylo failed to understand Finn when he fell back into the mindset he had been indoctrinated into for most of his life, or when he lashed out too strongly against something which reminded him of it. They were still learning to understand another, making baby steps of progress with every single day.

Who would have thought that a lightsaber to your back would be the smallest hurdle to overcome?

"No?" he ventured.

Kylo sent him a spiteful glare from where he was pacing at the far end of the room. He must have been literally tearing at his hair in his upset, for he looked as if he had been dragged backwards through a thorny bush. Finn's lips twitched, but he fought against the urge to laugh. Kylo would only get angry for real if he thought Finn was laughing at his rage, and then he'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Maybe it wasn't something he did, Finn decided, and approached his boyfriend, there were days when everything was just too much. They both had these days. Finn would go very quiet then, and cocoon himself in the familiar loneliness of his cadet days, while Kylo lashed out at the people he loved, convinced they'd reject him anyway.

He enfolded him into a hug before he could protest, and like he knew it would, Finn felt some of the tension seep out of Kylo. "It would help if you told me what got you so mad."

There was more grumbling, but finally he was getting hugged back. "Stormtrooper deserters ringing a bell?"

"Oh." Finn exhaled loudly. "I was going to tell you tonight…"

He was, he just hadn't figured out how yet, for he had known Kylo wouldn't take it well.

He navigated them to the couch, and curled up against his boyfriend.

"You're going to get yourself killed."

Finn shook his head. "No, I won't. I'll help other troopers get out."

"By getting yourself killed."

Finn met his eyes, solemn and determined. "It's a whole garrison of Stormtroopers wanting to defect. It's never been so many before. We've been working towards this for ages." He let a heartbeat pass for it to sink in. "I need to talk to them myself."

"And I still say you've lost your mind," Kylo muttered, but the way he clung to him told Finn that he was fueled by fear, not spite.

Finn stifled a sigh. It wouldn't be fair to get exasperated, even if Kylo's fears were fueling his own. It had been exhausting enough to be optimistic for General Organa. "Kylo? They trust me. Me, not the Resistance, not General Organa or Master Skywalker or the Republic Senate. They've heard me speak about a life in freedom, and they want this life. I've got to go myself. Even if it is a trap, I have to try."

He smiled slightly to himself. A lot in life was about trying your best, and hoping it would be enough, Finn had learned since he discovered freedom. Out here in a world far away from the First Order's strict protocols regulating every moment of your day, here where life was chaotic and unpredictable, all you could do was try.

"And now you're asking me to trust you, too." Kylo sounded very unhappy, but no longer angry. Their relationship involved a lot of trying your best, too, for both of them.

"Exactly! Can you do that for me?" He simply held on to his lover while Kylo fought with himself. "I was going to take Rey with me, you know," he admitted. Mostly since he trusted Rey to keep her temper if things went badly. He wanted these troopers changing sides, not dead. But trust was a two-way street. "Now I'm thinking it should be you instead."

The hard, desperate kiss Kylo gave him was all the answer he needed.

They were still learning to trust, and to communicate, but sometimes trying your best was enough.

 _The End_


End file.
